Unsung Heroes

My grandparents were blessed in that during their time it was common for the man to work and the woman manage the house. Times have drastically changed, now both spouses work.

Why?

I was taught in my history classes that for the most part men were against women working outside of the home. Feel free to post corrections to that. :) Whether or not that is accurate does not change the fact that society has created an "and" statement where an "or" statement would probably work better.

This "and" statement comes from both spouses working; while in some cases out of want there are those who do so out of need. Yes many made decisions that put them in the posistion of making it a need. However it does not change the fact that the average wage barely supports a single person, much less a family.

The answer is not raising the minimum wage. You raise the minimum wage you force prices up as the cost of making the goods goes up.

So in my limited understanding of history 2 things have contributed to the cost of living increases that have infringed on this living standard of one spouse at home. One was unhitching the dollar from the gold standard, which is a discussion for another day. Two the increase in the avaible work force by allowing women in it.

When the push for women to be allowed equal access to the work force was being made it was predicted that exactly what has happened would. Again feel free to correct my history. But it could have been avoided simply by not counting one of a married couple as part of the work force. Not to say they couldn't be, but that once married only one person was expected to be part of the work force. This would have kept the wages from being decreased by a sudden glut of doubling the avaible labor pool.

But preserving the sacredness of the stay at home spouse was not a thought of the time. Most of what I have read, old articles, history books from school, paint a clear battle line of not wanting women in the work place. Period. End of story.

There are many out there who still hold to the it is odd or weird (if they are being nice in their word choices) for a man to be at home with the kids while the wife works. A lot of my peers growing up and certain religious groups I know hold this view. All I have to say to them is that notion is one of the reasons I don't have kids. I do not do well with kids being around me all day; however I do quite well working.

To further this agenda of driving parents either into dependency on government programs or Both working so they can maintain some semblance of control over what their kids learn the government doesn't even recognize the value of a stay at home spouse via taxes. Recognizing the earning potential of the stay at home spouse via tax breaks, free educational services, free medical even if it only for emergencies.

It has been proven by studies that a parent with college education will have kids with higher success rates than those with out.

Everyone knows that illness can cause major set backs fincially if not bankruptcy  and kids are very prone to needing more medical care. Not to mention proper medical care can also effect kids ability to perform in school which can effect them for the rest of their lives.

Don't you think it is time to recognize our unsung heroes of stay at home parents?

Where to Go From Here

When ever one encounters a major set back one is sometimes faced with the question of where to go from here. Many people will weight in on where you should go, what you should do, and the such, but that does not mean that is the direction you want to go in.

Where Do I Want to Go From Here?

My entire life up until recently has been about what has to be done. You would think that I would have learned by now and specifically after that horror show of a marriage that what I think I have to do is not always so. It has been so long since I have been free to dream. Dare I Dream now?

What really has to be done?

Maintaining the friendships and relations with my family is needed, as they are the emotional support system I have as well as support in other ways.

If I want to keep the building that has become my home I will need to pay my mortgage, electric bill, and water bill. As well as the related insurances and food requirements for myself.

To ensure that I get the best possible recovery and to be released for work I have to continue to see the doctor. On the same note to help with that healing process I will need to continue physical therapy.

But that is all I really have to do ... So Where Do I Want To Go From Here?

It is a hard question to answer for me.

• The Personal Trainer Certification I got because I was into the gym and wanted to reap the most benefits from my time there as well as reduce the possibility of hurting myself. The reason I started going to the gym? Kayaking. I found myself wanting to have more strength and endurance to increase my safety margin while paddling.

• I have worked security because it was the first job to offer me anything close to a wage that would allow me to move out on my own when I was 19. When the amount I was paid and the perks kept adding up I stuck with it.

But that doesn't answer the the Question. Lets rephrase it. What do I want to be when I grow up? ... Yeah that didn't help....

There was a time when I dreamed of being an artist, but I lost that creative spark while married not to mention the shear amount of work that has to be done to even get near what I was doing. There was a time when I wanted to be a physicist and work out how to create the matter tech from Star Trek; matter transport, matter creation, engine propulsion, etc. Again the shear amount of work to just get back to that point is just daunting. Because the thought of getting back to just the point where I left off on those two is daunting I know it is not the path for me now.

When I gave up on the dream of owning a business when the ex-husband forced me to leave the family business I stopped dreaming and I realize now I just never started again. It has been 12 years since I have had a dream. WOW that is a flooring realization.

All I had when I left my ex-husband was a car full of stuff, the car, and a job. It is my opinion that I have built rather nicely on that. So what can I build off of what I have now? Well first lets start with what I have.

• An amazing family and friends to support me. I don't think any of them truly understand that the biggest thing they give me is their time and feedback. I value more those who call me on my bullshit and point out where I am wrong than those who just go along with whatever I say.

• Management Skills. Through the years I have been very fortunate to have some seriously amazing managers take me under their wings and show me how to do it.

• Communication Skills. While I am not the most traditional of communicators; don't expect the more emotional communication you get from an average woman from me and we will be just fine. Add to it I just don't see the world the way everyone else does for some reason and it shows in how I put my words together.

• Ability to Learn. Aside from spelling and languages there is little I have trouble understanding and learning. To keep a-pace a demanding gated community's every whim while in a management position you have to keep your learning skills sharp. But everyone thinks I understand less than I do because I don't use big fancy words.

• Organizational Skills. For 5 years I documented, filed, and reformulated all information for an 18 person department. This includes vehicle maintenance, scheduling, equipment maintenance, normal operations, etc. Well just about anything you can think of that a department generates I kept it nice and neatly filed in a manner that anyone could walk in look at the file system and figure out where everything was.

With these skills I know I can make myself an invaluable member of any organization ... the question remains ... Where do I want to go?

Full Stop

When life goes from moving along to full stop I don't think anyone is ready for it. I was not and am still working through it.

February 16, 2018 my life went from comfortable to Full Stop. I was rear ended while riding my motorcycle to work. Now I am looking at a life of pain from my knee.

However I am very fortunate. The doctor who operated on my knee (6 screws, 1 plate, and bone transplant) has the best reputation in the area. My friends really stepped up. They came to see me, brought food, even helped me get home. Then checked on me and made sure I was safe until my mom could make it in. Mom, bless her, she has been invaluable driving me to appointments, cooking, cleaning, you name it. Fortunately I was also smart with money, so while I will have to find an income soon, I don't have to stress yet.

But that doesn't change my life going from active and on the go to Full Stop. I am still me, I still find ways to get what I need done, but it takes longer. This is definately a lesson in patience.

Add to all this I also have to find a new job as mine has effectively fired me. They do not want to accommodate any disability from me, so I cannot return to work until I have a doctor's note stating I can and without limitations. It will be close to 4 to 6 months before that will happen. Gotta love corporate America.

So I am left with lots of time on my hands and with my healing taking less energy more energy. Gotta do something with myself or the mind will start to focus on the negative and that won't end well. What to do is the question.

But what do you do when you get put in this situation? Well I can tell you what I am doing.

Start a "Book of Everything" trendy people call it bullet journaling. For me it has critical emails, reports, contact information, and the like all related to the accident. It also includes to do lists, summaries from my doctor follow ups, notes about insurance... in short Everything related to this topic. Don't forget to have  table of contents other wise known as an index.

Staying positive can be difficult. Make lists of what needs to be done, then mark off what you achieve. Keep a list of progress as you make it. Where ever you have space write in encouragement words; "You Got This," "You Can Do This", etc.

Honor your emotions. Bottling them up will not make them go away. Feel them. Cry when you need to. But do not dwell on them. Instead when it feels insurmountable go back and read your list of accomplishments. Remember how far you already came. Never mind how far you may need to go, because honestly, we all got a long ways to go in life. Well, unless you are about to die, then you really don't have that far to go.

Accept your situation as it is. Spending time wishing you had this or that is wasting energy on things you either can't have or don't have. Focus on what you do have and how you can use it to get where you want to go.

Say thank you to everyone who gives even the slightest bit of help. Strangers who notice you and move out of your way. Friends who come over to even just talk. Friends who call to check on you. Thank them all. They are just as powerless as you to make the situation disappear, but they are doing what they can to make it better and for that deserve gratitude. It is just as hard for someone to see a very injured person as it is for a very injured person to live. Same goes for disabled. It reminds everyone of their mortality and no one likes that. Least no one I have met.

Well that's how I am getting through it.

Forgiveness

Recently I have had a rather interesting conversation with a dear friend about forgiveness.

The battle line is my friend believes forgiveness needs compassion, where I do not think compassion is not necessary for forgiveness.

For the record I am using brief definitions of the words forgiveness and compassion from Wikipedia.

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

Compassion motivates people to go out of their way to help the physical, mental or emotional pains of another and themselves. Compassion is often regarded as having sensitivity, an emotional aspect to suffering, though when based on cerebral notions such as fairness, justice, and interdependence, it may be considered rational in nature and its application understood as an activity also based on sound judgment.

While I do recognize that compassion can fuel forgiveness, I just don't see how it has to be present. Forgiveness is about letting go of the need, desire, or other drive to be compensated for your pain, loss, etc. In the process of letting go of this you begin to move toward wishing a person or at least not wishing them harm.

Compassion seems to me to be about sympathizing with another's pain, suffering, loss, etc. 

Example:

Someone gives you a quote for work and takes a percent down up front. However due to the circumstances you are unable to obtain verification that the individual is a reputable contractor at the time, but you really need the work done and other contractors are putting you off for months before they will be able to get your work done. After your money is taken and some time passes your work is still not done. To compound the situation the number you were using to inquire into when to expect the work to be done is now disconnected.

You have been swindled.

A police report is filed, but it appears all the information the individual gave you is false. 

Most, probably all, people would be outright furious in this situation. There is no reason to be compassionate toward this person, though some will dream up reasons to be. Forgiveness has to come from some where else. Most people will also never forgive in this situation. Yet if you want to move beyond it; forgiveness must be given. Otherwise the anger, pain, and fear of loss will color your every decision after. Some would say that is a good thing; yet fail to realize that is starts a pattern of building a wall between you and everyone else. It will slowly errode your ability to trust even those you trusted prior to the swindle.